Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
