Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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