Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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