I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
