Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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