I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
