my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Randomize
