found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
