If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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