i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
