if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
