I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
