I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
