You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
