Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
