I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
