I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
