we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
