I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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