I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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