Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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