Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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