i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
