walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I didn't notice because vodka
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
