Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
