Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize