We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
