Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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