carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
