You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
