Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I feel great
I just peed on a car
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
