So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
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He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
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Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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