maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Everyone says I win the strip club
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
