How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I supernannyed him into submission
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
