I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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