Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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