he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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