He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
