So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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