oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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