Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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