My Higher Power is John Stamos
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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