Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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