I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
