don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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