Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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