i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
