You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
