I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
