Already got asked if we're dating
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
