Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
