she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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