I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
