the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
