I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
