he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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