Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
