i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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