Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
